What a day

I cried again today. This is the 2nd time I've cried at placement. What a sooky la-la.

The first time I had to actually cancel a client because I was a blubbering mess. We had done a morning meditation during which our supervisor, Matt, told us to "breathe in all our discomfort" (instead of the usual pushing it away that most people do, y'know?) And to breathe out compassion and kindness to all the people in the world experiencing discomfort. Breathe in the discomfort. All the painful feelings you don't want to experience. Breathe them all in. So like a good little student, I did. And then after it was over, I bawled my eyes out. I actually had to work hard not to blubber *during* the meditation. Waaaaayyyyyyy too much discomfort for my liking that day.

So immediately after meditation finished I had to ask Matt for advice about a client. There I was asking about a client while having a total emotional breakdown. When he gave me a slightly quizzical look regarding the possible reason for the emotional breakdown, the only explanation I could come up with was "Well, you would go and make me breathe in my discomfort!" I tell you what though, if you're ever going to have a personal crisis, a psych clinic is a good place to have one. He very gently asked me if perhaps I might prefer to cancel the client. Lucky one of us was in control of their faculties because I SO could not have seen a client but I was all OF COURSE I'M NOT CANCELLING THE CLIENT! ARE YOU MENTAL?!!!?

Needless to say, I cancelled the client. .

So that was several weeks ago.

Today, we had our usual weekly supervision and it felt like I got hammered. I didn't actually get hammered but that is how it felt. Probably I'm just feeling fragile and overwhelmed and stressed again. I was kind of ok with it, but he (poor, frazzled, sleep-deprived Matt dealing with neurotic students day in and day out) came to see me later to ask if I was ok after my hammering and to tell me it's no reflection on my performance, and that I'm doing really well. And the floodgates opened again. I'm a basketcase, there's no doubt about it.

Let's see if I can get through to the end of placement without getting myself committed.