It's 10:24pm on New Year's Eve

Mel and Annabelle are in bed and I'm about to join them. We kind of thought we'd have a nice night together (me and him that is), after putting her to bed early. Perhaps a bbq in the backyard and some quiet time to reflect on the year that was and plan optimistically for what we might do in the new year.

Ha! Wishful thinking.

She took forever to get to sleep, even after having no sleep all day. I got the shits and left her in the bedroom around 8.15pm and lay on the couch with a pillow over my head. He got her to sleep but in the meantime I must have dozed off. I woke to find him watching one of the Bourne movies so I got up and went to read my book in another room. He came by to say goodnight about half an hour ago. So that was it. Happy New Year.

Ho hum.

On another note entirely, last night I had my very first night away from Annabelle. Yes, my first night in 2 years and 7 months!! I think I fretted much more than she did but all in all, it was lovely to have my own time (mind you I was working both days) and Mel seems to have enjoyed it too. He took her back down to Victor Harbor where he had friends staying. They have late-teen/grown up children and an exchange student and a dog, so plenty of people to keep Annabelle entertained and dote on her. He said he found it a little hard to relax properly, but he managed to leave her with them (tear-free!) and play 9 holes of golf so that's an achievement too!

It's no wonder she was a bit hyped up tonight I guess, after all the excitement. So while NYE is quite the non-event, there are certainly things to look forward to in the new year. Like many more father/daughter weekends away!!! :)

Decisions made so far...

I told you I accepted the uni offer just to buy some decision-making time, right? So I decided that I really do want to do the course but I prefer to do it part-time. I was feeling all claustrophobic because suddenly I had all these options in front of me and felt like I had to do them ALL RIGHT NOW. But then I took a breath and realised there is plenty of time for everything.

So I emailed the course coordinator and reinforced that I am VERY excited about studying but is it possible to change to part-time. Today I got a reply that basically said "No problem. Thanks for letting me know. Let's meet in a couple of weeks and look at your planned timetable and work it all out for you". YAY!! Oh, and to put it in perspective.. I don't know if I've mentioned this already but there are only five full-time equivalent places in this course. So five full-time or ten part-time but obviously most people study full-time so they told me in the interview that the only way they can take on a part-timer is if they have another part-timer to take up the other half a place. So I was quite worried that wanting to go part-time would be a BIG problem. I'm very relieved that she was nice about it.

Doing this course means I start studying at the end of January in a Summer Intensive program and even on a half-time basis, that will involve 4 x half-days per week for a month or so. So I absolutely cannot continue to do my job at the same number of hours that I'm currently doing. Which means I have to have a conversation with the CEO and it's one I'm not looking forward to. eek.

Another dream

Here I go boring you with dream posts again, but this one I want to write down so I remember.

I dreamed that Mel and I were driving to Victor Harbor, which is a beachy town where we are spending Christmas night and Boxing Day. We've never been there before. (That bit is actually real - we are going there for Xmas. So in my dream, that's what we were doing. Got it?) As we drove towards the beach we were looking at the view of the ocean and thinking it looked SO good. Then suddenly we realised that we had driven to the end of this jetty thing and if we kept going we would have gone straight over the edge and plummeted into the ocean. Scary, man.

So we stopped and got out of the car and were standing there kind of looking at each other thinking how scary it was, and not really game to look down because you know.. it was scary! But we decided that if we didn't look down and instead just looked out across the ocean, we could really enjoy the view. And it was AMAZING. This huge vast ocean, so tranquil and calm and it was a green colour. I know that sounds gross but it was a gorgeous green ocean and it was amazing and we were both going 'Wow, This is amazing. How come we haven't come here before?

Then we backtracked along the jetty thing until we got to the edge of the sand and we realised that if we just walked on the sand we could get to the ocean without having the big jump off the cliff scenario. Just a gradual walk along the soft sand. And there were all these teenage kids dancing on the beach and having a dance-off thing and we were watching them for a while and then thinking we should check into our hotel. I dunno if that's relevant.

So here goes the interpretation: The falling off the edge of the jetty (taking a flying leap) is the whole idea of having another baby. Very bloody scary. But if we don't think about that, and look at the big picture (long-term) it's actually quite an amazing vision for the future. Water represents emotions and this water was calm and peaceful. Green is the colour of healing. So the calm, clear, green water is a good sign. That it was vast and expansive is even better. Obviously backtracking to the sand and realising we could walk to the water is about the gradual process of the whole having a baby experience. By the time you get pregnant, it's 9mths and then you just take each day, month, year at a time until you get to the teenagers in the dance-off I guess.

And maybe the bit about going off to find the hotel room meant that it's time to get cracking. :)

Equality, my arse

Here's what shits me.. We are supposed to live in an age where men and women are pretty much equal. And don't get me wrong - I totally believe that women are designed to be primary carers of children; biologically and emotionally I think we are built for that purpose. But feeding and nurturing a child aside, there are plenty of household and child-rearing activities that could be divided equally between men and women, and certainly in our household they most certainly are not. Mel would argue that point of course

When Annabelle was a baby, Mel worked from home. His job was to earn money, mine was to be primary carer of her. But at nights and on weekends, as far as I'm concerned, we SHARE household and child-rearing duties except for the obvious breastfeeding one. Do you think he ever once had to say to me "Hey I just need to go to the toilet, can you watch her for a minute?" Ummmm... NO! From the day she was born he has come and gone as he pleased. So how come I had to ask permission to pee?? How come he got to say "Hey I'm really needing a break, I think I'll go out for a game of golf on Sunday, ok?" fully expecting that I would stay home and attend to the child. Or "I'm just ducking down to the shop. Back in five". I would have to say "Is it ok if I got to the shop? She's been fed, her nappy's changed. If she gets whingey, try this, this and this." And then I'd go to the shop and I'd get a frantic text message saying "She's hysterical!!" and I'd have to dump the shopping and run home. ok not every time but sometimes.

And now, 2.5 years later, with both of us working he gets to say "I'm having a drink after work. I'll be on a tram just after 5pm" then gets delayed and is still having a drink at 6pm. I'm not saying that's late nor am I complaining that he's having a drink. It's the expectation that he can do that without there ever being an equivalent expectation on my part. He picks and chooses when he'll go to work and when he'll come home, whereas it's expected that my work has to be managed around her. It is so fucking 1950's!

And I'm actually not even blaming him or having a go at him. I know it sounds suspiciously like that, but I think we women are our own worst enemies! The other day when he complained about our house being a pig-sty with toys everywhere (it is), I actually felt guilty. Can you believe that? I work full-time but somewhere in my brain I have a subconscious belief that housework is my job. I get stressed about mopping floors and doing grocery shopping on weekends. I'm pretty sure he doesn't. Why is that??! When his friend visited from overseas a few weeks ago, they sat out the back drinking beer and I was inside reading a book. I actually got up and went out and asked if they wanted food even though I wasn't hungry. HOW IS THAT MY JOB??????? And he never said it was my job, I thought it was my job. But having said that, I bet that neither one of them was sitting out there wondering what they'd have for dinner while there was a woman in the house. They would have both been fully expecting that I would take care of that. Maybe I'm being harsh, but I reckon they are programmed the same way. Even in this day and age, we're all programmed as to what's "woman's work" and "men's jobs". It's actually total crap and I am really thinking about it a lot since having a daughter. I feel very responsible for the messages I am sending her about what is expected of women and shouldn't be.

Disclaimer: Mel is a very good husband and he does heaps of stuff around the house. He cooks and does washing. But then again, why is he a "good husband" because he does stuff around the house? Why isn't that a given when you're two adults sharing a house? Why is it standard for me but "special" for him to do the same housework. Forget the disclaimer. There is no disclaimer.

Update...

I got an offer for Health Psychology. They need an answer by 5pm tomorrow. Argh!

I remember why I gave up drinking

oh my sore head. I didn't have a glass of wine for over a month. (I know how pathetic that sounds but really, it was a big effort for me. Not a single drop.) Then when I felt I'd successfully kicked the wine habit, I started having an occasional civilised glass of wine again. Until last night when I may or may not have gone slightly overboard. Partly I was a little excited about some plans we're making for next year, partly because I figure I should drink now while I can in case the cards are right and I get knocked up. I keep getting that darned pregnancy card. :)

Anyway, the upshot of all that is that I feel like utter crap. Get me back on that wagon pronto.

I'm so bloody tired

I don't mean a bit tired from a restless night, I mean chronically exhausted from working + child-rearing + coaching + housework + administrivia + never getting an unbroken night's sleep... everything. No break. Ever. I crave a holiday like you would not believe. I have no mental space, no inspiration, no creativity, no urge to have a conversation with anyone about anything because my brain doesn't function. I struggle to even relax and read a book because I can't concentrate on the words on the page. I struggle to meditate because I doze off.

Last Friday I dropped Annabelle at daycare early so I could sit in a cafe and have a coffee before work. I bought a take-away quiche while I was there and put it in the fridge at work for lunch. Not two hours later, someone at work asked me what I had for lunch and if I wanted to share a tin of tuna. I said I didn't have anything and actually handed over money to someone to go out and buy me a tomato and avocado so I could make a sandwich. I kicked myself for not buying something at the coffee shop. No shit. I TOTALLY forgot I had bought that quiche until I was making a quiche at home on Sunday. Duh!!

And how about this one? I'm up to about Take 893 when it comes to getting passports for Annabelle and I. Every time I think I'm good to go, I read through the application and realise I've forgotten something. Last week I realised I needed my marriage certificate and I appear to have lost it. So I have to send away urgently for that fricken thing so I can then send away urgently for the other fricken thing. No worries. Downloaded the form, ticked the boxes, photocopied my ID, calculated the fee and sent it off between my gazillion other things to do for the day. Got a phone call today from the NSW Register of Births, Deaths and Marriages...
"Sorry Mrs Dunn, I can't process your application".
"Oh really? Why not?"
"Well it says here you got married in Brisbane"
"Yes, that's right"
"Errr.. Mrs Dunn, we're the NEW SOUTH WALES Registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages".

I'm so bloody tired.

Oh fucken jeezus, Dad...

.. is what Annabelle said to Mel this afternoon when he was telling her off for something. She has also been heard to say it to her Dora doll in general conversation. Something along the lines of "Here Dora, Let's go to the shop. What you want Dora? Lollies?? Ok. And marshmallows? Ok. Do your seatbelt Dora. Good girl. Ok let's go. Oh Dora, you crying? I give you cuddle. Better now? ok. *sigh* Fucken jeezus Dora....!"

There's a five year old boy at her daycare who is constantly in the Director's office on "detention". He's got a foul mouth and a crappy attitude. Apparently LOTS of parents are complaining about their kids' picking up bad language. Amazing that one child could have that much influence in a centre of 80 kids.

Fucken Jeezus.

ok, this is the last change

I changed the design of my new blog (again), deleted the trivia posts and added some pictures, so I think I'm ready to start fully blogging again. I've changed the settings so you can get to it by typing my URL of www.cassandradunn.com.au and I'm about to delete my Typepad blog which I pay about $10 a month for because this one is FREEEEE!!!

I still need to fix up some links like on the Store page and add some content, but so far I'm happy with how it's looking.

I cancelled my interview for Org Psych today

HA!!! I cancelled it! Who does that?! All the cool kids are scurrying around Adelaide attending interviews left right and centre and hoping to goodness they get into any course that will take them so they don't end up without an offer and having to get a *gasp* JOB!! And here I am cancelling the damn interview when someone else much more worthy could have had that spot.

I'm so proud of myself because the instant I did it (like half an hour before I was due to front up for it :-0) I felt a great sense of relief. And not just relief for getting out of an interview but for getting out of that feeling of obligation like you *should* do something just because you've been offered it. No matter how much you actually don't want to do it! I was reading through the course description today and no kidding I was gagging at the thought of it. Not a good sign.

Not to mention that my job that I thought I hated and needed to leave, is actually much better now. I had my performance appraisal with the Big Boss this week and it was really good. So I could handle staying there and helping homeless kids, not to mention paying off our mortgage for a bit.

Which isn't to say I wouldn't take an offer for Clinical Masters if it presented itself, but not Org Psych. Org Psych sucks dogs balls. Someone else can totally have my place.

Who said it sucks?

Ok, own up. Is it one of you or is it some spammer?? I noticed my new blog has got like.. 84 hits :-0 which is just mainly from people searching for images (and stealing my bloody images which I bloody well pay for but that's another whinge).

So anyway, I noticed a few votes in my poll and I know the positive votes came from some of you because I can see that the only links to there were from here (I can see what's going on, don't you worry about that). But now I'm getting all these randoms ending up on my site and they're saying my image header sucks and I want to know if it really sucks or if it's someone just being mean or if it's something thinking they're being funny.

So fess up it was you. And you can't just say it sucks, you have to say what it should be instead.

PS. I haven't heard anything about any Masters courses yet. *pouts* I think I can safely say that's a big fat NO from Flinders, but I won't hear about Adelaide Uni (Health Psych) until later in the week, or even next week or the week after..?! And I have one more interview. It is very nerve wracking, let me tell you but I'm almost at the point of not caring less. I will write a new post about that.

How my interview went

I've been a bit tardy in giving the update, mainly because my head kept spinning for hours afterwards. I had NO idea what to expect from this interview. I mean it's a uni course FFS! I had called my friend Hayley from 4th year (we topped the whole school and she is doing Clinical Masters at Bond now, the smarty pants) and she told me about some interviews she'd had and said they were hard so I started to crap my pants then. But I knew it was only 20 minutes. And really... how much can you get grilled in 20 minutes?

WELL.... let me just tell you. They asked the obvious one of why I want to do their course and what I intend to do with the qualification. You'd think you'd be expecting that one but I'm sure I sounded like a blithering idiot. Then it was your relevant professional experience. Ok, that was easy. Then they got harder. They had a sample referral letter from a GP with minimal information in it and you had to say what info you would be seeking to get from the initial assessment with the client. They asked a scenario question about a new treatment being advertised and how you'd decide if you would use it with your client. They asked about a time I'd received unfavourable feedback and how I handled it. And about what I would do if I found myself unable to meet course requirements due to personal issues.

Seriously, all this in TWENTY MINUTES! I felt like I'd been put through the wringer by the end of it.

When I got back to work afterward it, I had an email inviting me for another interview - this time for Organisational Psych at Uni of Adelaide so that made me feel better at least to have more options if I totally fucked it up. Though Org Psych is not my first preference that's for sure. On Monday I have an interview for Health Psychology at Uni of Adelaide. That would be better but still not my first preference. The best thing that could happen is that I get a call on Monday morning telling me I got accepted into Clinical at Flinders so I can cancel the other interviews. I SO do not want to do more interviews.

eeeeekkk

I got another interview. This time for Health Psychology at Adelaide Uni. Now that is good and bad. It's not Clinical which was my first preference but Adelaide Uni is very prestigious so it's good that I got shortlisted for anything at all! Anyway, I did NO health psych subjects in my undergrad degree so I'm not sure that's a good thing, but it's about using psych in a health context - promoting good health and also counselling sick people. Not sure it's what I really want but if it's my only option, I'll do it.

But I don't have time to be nervous about that one yet because in 2 hours and 20 minutes I have to front up for my Clinical interview at Flinders. I'm totally crapping my pants. Will keep you posted.

Do you like this picture?

I was thinking of using it on my new coaching blog and also on my new brochures that I'm having printed. I thought it was quite cute and even though it doesn't yell "coaching", it does say balance and peace and it's quite bright and funky and would appeal to women I think (well it appeals to me, anyway). But that's what a lot of clients ultimately are looking for.

Have a look at it on my new coaching blog/website that I've been working on and tell me if you think it works. On MY NEW COACHING BLOG I can change the image at the top to anything I want, so if you think a different kind of picture would work better, feel free to offer suggestions.

Family Fun Day

We had Mel's work's family Xmas day out on Sunday and it really was a good day. Here are some pics.

In the jumping castle (took a while to warm up to the idea but in the end we couldn't drag her out. Had to bribe her in fact).



Annabelle with the clown, who is actually one of Mel's staff members. Wasn't sure what to make of the clown, or anyone else wearing funny hats or suits.


Loved the face painting though. Walked around holding her hand up in the air as if the butterfly was actually sitting on it. Too cute.


Pony rides. Lasted all of about 5 seconds. Ponies and clowns both in the "dodgy" category.


Santa. Also dodgy. But if he's got a present, she'll sit on his lap for as long as it takes.


Finally a present!


She does love a good book. And mum and dad didn't even have to pay for this one. Even better!


And me and her together. We actually have NO photos of us together because I'm the one always holding the camera. It shits me, so every now and then I force Mel to take photos of us. They usually turn out ugly and I delete them, but I think this one is ok.

I got an interview

I got a call from Flinders University inviting me for an interview for the Masters of Clinical Psychology. It's this Friday and apparently will only go for 20 minutes (that sounds easy). If I get accepted, or put on the short list, I will get a phone call before next Tuesday.

What this means is that if I get accepted into Flinders, we could potentially still get our trip to Fiji (YAY!!) because uni wouldn't start until March and we could go after school holiday season at the end of January. The problem with UniSA is that classes start on 27th January so we'd have to go on holidays before then, which sucks the big one because there is NOTHING available. Not that I can afford to be picky and choosy when it comes to Masters programs but you know.. if I can manage an island holiday AND a Masters degree, I would be very happy.

So please send me all your positive vibes!!

The closest I'll get to an island holiday

Mel and I are in desperate need of a holiday. We haven't had an actual holiday together in 4 years and Mel hasn't had a proper break since he started in his job 2.5yrs ago! So on a whim, we decided we're going to Fiji in January. The biggest deciding factor... CHEAP NANNIES!!! Let's face it, no holiday is going to be ideal unless we can get some child-minding. We've got half a squillion frequent flyer points so we figured this was very do-able.

How wrong we were. Who were we kidding to think we could book a last-minute holiday during school holidays and get all the dates and flights of our choosing? Duh!!

Mel has spent several nights on the internet scouring options and at this point, it's not looking good. We haven't given up hope yet but in the meantime, I'm making do with some "Tahitian escape" body scrub (which does smell fabulously like a beach holiday) and a rub-on tan. I'm still going to lose 3kg and buy a new bikini and if I have to wear it in Annabelle's wading pool, I bloody well will.

I got a call

On Friday morning I got a call from UniSA. Just when I was thinking "Oh I SO hope I don't get into uni because I SO don't even want to do a stupid Masters program. What a waste of time and money and who'd want to be a stupid psychologist anyway?! No way, I just want to get back into coaching and get a gig on Sunrise (as you do) and be fabulously famous and rich and oh, maybe read tarot cards on the side just for fun", which really means "I'd love to go to uni but I know I'm not going to get in so I'll just start preparing myself for the inevitable rejection by focusing on all my other fantastic but totally unrealistic options so I'm not completely devastated when I get the thanks-but-no-thanks letter in the mail".

And it was working too.

But then I got the call on Friday to say that they haven't yet received my second referee report and could I please chase it up. So I emailed my lecturer and cracked the whip and he called UniSA and then he emailed me back to say 'Never fear, no deadlines have been breached, your glowing referee report is on its way'. And with that, all my telling myself I don't want to go to uni went out the window. I started furiously looking up the UniSA timetable and noting class dates and times in my diary and mentally scheduling coaching clients to be able to pay for daycare and still study full-time and before I knew it, I was totally excited about the prospect. And I haven't even got an interview yet!!! For all I know, they were chasing EVERYONE'S referee reports because they can't assess applications until they get them in..

Oh well, I can only wait and see I suppose but patience never was my strong point. If they do reject me (bastards), I've still got a personal contact at Sunrise.

More from David Thorne

In case you weren't immediately compelled to read all the pages on David Thorne's site after reading the hilarious spider email, be sure you at least go and read this exchange between David and a non-fan. I think I'm actually in love with David Thorne. No really. I'm planning to print off the spider drawing and go ask him to autograph it.

PS. To get a bit of context, David works for this company. Many of the pages on his site refer to his work colleagues, most of whom obviously have a sense of humour. One obviously doesn't.

The Spider Drawing

This is about the funniest thing I've seen in a long time. It's an actual email conversation between an Adelaide man and a worker from a local utilities company, about an amount outstanding on his bill.

Read the conversation HERE.

The spider drawing that was offered in lieu of payment has become famous and fetched $10,000USD on Ebay. The buyer has no intention of paying the money and the seller has no intention of chasing him for the money. It's just FUNNY!

A very sucky afternoon

This afternoon the CEO came to our office for a meeting with three of us (three of us being the 'management' team). She wanted to make us aware of some issues; ie., complaints directed at one or all of us by clients

I was feeling very annoyed and angry when I walked out of work towards my car. Then I heard an awful BANG and looked up to see a twisted motorbike lying on the road, a smashed up car and a bunch of motorcyle gear (storage boxes etc) flying through the air into a nearby park. The only thing I couldn't see was the rider. It was awful. By the time I walked the 20 metres or so to the corner, he had people around him, holding his head and soothing him. He didn't have his helmet on so I don't know if it got knocked off in the crash or if someone removed it. It seems he was going straight ahead through the lights when a car turning right obviously didn't see him and ploughed him down.

The driver of the car was walking around with a look of shock on his face, holding his head in his hands. People were jumping out of cars, running from the footpath, getting out their mobile phones to call the emergency services. A passerby started directing traffic since it was backing up. Another guy was trying to take control of the situation and tried to stop him directing traffic and there was almost a fist fight between the two of them?! It was SO awful. I can still hear the bang and see that poor man lying on the road and I don't even know if he survived. I stayed until the ambulance arrived just to see that he was alive. I keep thinking that he's someone's son or brother or husband or father and how all their lives were changed in that moment. And the driver of the car too.

It certainly put my work worries into perspective.

Annabelle

Some pics my mum took while she was here to visit...

Update

1. Annabelle is sick. She has been sick for three days now, the poor little thing. It started off as spewing and a fever on Sunday, then we thought she was improving yesterday (Mel stayed home with her) but more raging fevers overnight so I am at home with her today. She's been asleep for over two hours now so hopefully she's improving. :(

2. I did my tarot course on the weekend and it was good. :) I met some nice people, but really it taught me that I already know the tarot pretty well and probably don't need to pay people to learn unless it's from a real guru. There can be so many hidden meanings with the cards, and learning to read them in a cluster is quite a skill so I still have work to do but anyway.. I love it. I've had my cards out every day. 'tis fun. Reading anyone? (Nat, I'm doing yours NOW!!)

3. My work is almost unbearable. I say "almost" because I'm still there, tolerating it.. but not for much longer I don't think. My one glimmer of hope is that the Big Boss has assured me today that she is aware of the problems and is addressing them so I have some faith that maybe things will improve. I think I'm giving it until the end of the year though and if nothing's changed, I'll resign. By then I'll know the outcome of my Masters applications too so I'll have a better idea of what my options are. Once thing's for sure... I'd rather be home with my baby than selling my soul to a bunch of dickheads.

4. I started coaching again. Yay! I haven't done any coaching for a few months since my last client went overseas but I had an urge to get in touch with a lovely, talented woman who was a past client just to see how she's going, and she happened to be thinking about doing some more coaching, so there you go.. The timing was perfect and we're catching up by Skype. Given my excruciating work situation, it's really made me start to think seriously about trying to get a client base here in Adelaide. Finding the time/energy is the hardest thing, but maybe in the new year it's something to pursue.

Sounds like my girl is awake. More later.

Slow news week

I've got heaps of things to update you on but never seem to have the time or inclination to sit down and type. Or upload the pictures! And when I do, I'm suddenly joined by a two-year-old, like I just have been (as if on cue) and this time she is a very smelly little two-year-old so I'm off to change a nappy. *sigh*

But in short - my parents visited, I'm booked into a tarot course next weekend (I'm so excited I could actually pee) and we've seen some really good movies lately! So life is chugging along and I'll be back with more details soon.... :)

Deep man

I'm reading "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. It's spiritual so I love it, but the psychologist in me is like "Dude, you need to back this up with some science!". Anyway, I still love it. This quote is one of my favourites. It's about how we are all playing roles and we change how we behave and how we perceive ourselves, depending on who we're dealing with. Like whether you're talking to a boss, an employee, a child, a spouse, a shop assistant or a judge. Here's the quote:

A range of conditioned patterns of behaviour come into effect between two human beings that determine the nature of the interaction. Instead of human beings, conceptual mental images are interacting with each other. The more identified people are with their respective roles, the more inauthentic the relationships become.

You have a mental image not only of who the other person is, but who you are, especially in relation to the person you are interacting with. So you are not relating with that person at all, but who you think you are is relating to who you think the other person is and vice versa. The conceptual image your mind has made of yourself is relating to its own creation, which is the conceptual image it has made of the other person. The other person’s mind has probably done the same, so every egoic interaction between two people is in reality the interaction between four conceptual mind-made identities that are ultimately fictions. It is therefore not surprising there is so much conflict in relationships. There is no true relationship.

I think there's something in that for all of us, don't you? :D

Maverick

My husband has a special affinity with Tom Cruise. He thinks they're like.. the same person or something. When he was a young baseball star, his mates nicknamed him "Mav" after the Top Gun character. He doesn't say it but you can tell he thinks that's quite cool. Tom had a wife called Nicole. Mel had a wife called Nicole. Tom got rid of his wife, Mel got rid of his. *spooky*

The thing is, there IS something very similar about the two of them. It's that they're both wankers. Remember Tom Cruise in Top Gun, with all that uber-cool strutting and hi-fiveing? Yeah well that's a bit like my husband. Not that bad, but just a bit. And it's not so much about how he behaves, but how he speaks. It makes me laugh and laugh.

At him mind you, not with him. ;)

For example, Mel never sends an email, he "fires one off". He doesn't write a letter, he "punches it out". What is with that?? When he travels overseas, he doesn't just leave, he "flies out" so he "flies out on Friday at 1600 and flies in on Saturday at 0700". I shit you not.

The latest was this week when he spent all week in Canberra preparing to be interviewed by the tenderer for a big contract they're bidding for. He worked really hard all week and was quite nervous going into the meeting. He called me on the day and I asked what time the interview was. This was his reply:

"We'll enter the building in ten minutes and the interview starts in thirty minutes. We'll be locked down for an hour and a half. Yep... it's gonna be pretty big. I'll call you as soon as I can after it's over."

Locked down??? What the fuck is that? It's just an interview,dude!

When he got home and it was all done, I told him that I actually had to stop myself from snorting over the phone. To his credit, he also laughed when I told him how much of a wanker he really is. I think I'm going to start calling him Mav....

The Pink Dress Debate

From a good friend of mine, when asked "what is the pink dress debate?" Made me laugh so hard I spat my coffee...

The pink dress debate is basically the concept that you MUST NOT EVER NO NEVER NOT EVER put a girl in a pink dress. Because then you are forcing the societal stereotypes and patriarchal subjugation upon her. You must never have ANY pink clothing, no pink sparkly ANYTHING, nothing at all in the house that is remotely "typically girly". Oh, except if you have a boy. Then you must dress him in pink, grow his hair long, and ensure that strangers will assume he is a girl, so you can politely and superiority-ly say "HE is 3 years old" and then see the shock on their face that he is a boy, even though he's wearing pink sparkly sneakers, has long blonde curls which today are in 2 piggy tails, has nail polish on, and is wearing a pink sparkly fairy dress and wings. When he does it, he's expressing his inner self and celebrating femininity. When your daughter does it, however, she is debasing herself and contributing to the patriarchal hegemony that has persecuted females for thousands of years based solely on their gender.

The NaNaNa Song

That's what Annabelle calls this. When I sing along to it, she says "No mummy! No NaNaNa! It's MY NaNaNa" and then she sings it. I am absolutely not permitted to sing her Na Na Na song. Which sucks a bit because it's one of my favourites. In fact, it's my current ringtone! :)

I'm so bright... NOT

I had a lightbulb moment at about 2am when Annabelle woke me up asking for Hairy Maclary (that's a whole other story) and I couldn't get back to sleep. I was thinking about that dream I had which foretold of a death. Remember the one? At the time I had a sense of dread and felt like there was going to be a suicide. What I couldn't work out was why my brother was in the dream, but it seemed to relate to work.

So early this morning I was thinking of the dream and how no-one died and that the feeling of dread seems to have passed, thankfully. Then I remembered that one of the residents attended a funeral on Thursday and I briefly wondered if that was the death the dream was referring to, even though that person who died is not directly connected to me at all. Then it occurred to me....

The person that died was this girl's BROTHER and he committed suicide. So right there is the brother connection, the work connection and the suicide.

I can't believe it took me so long to work it out. Duh!

Finally the Sydney photos!

Here are just a couple of snaps from our weekend in Sydney...

With our (ex) next-door neighbours - from left to right: Nathanial, Alex, Julian (front), Sophie and of course Mel, Belle and moi.

Nathanial and Annabelle. This child had no interest in playing with Annabelle before we left Sydney. In fact, the first time they really played and had a good time together was the night before we left!!! It makes me sad because they are such good mates now and love to spend time together. Having really good neighbours makes a huge difference to your quality of life I've decided. Sophie and Alex were bloody good neighbours and I think they feel the same way about us.

Beautiful Jacqui, who is 19 weeks pregnant with her own baby girl. It was lovely to catch up with her. Jacqui's a psychologist and she was a coaching client of mine. She now runs her own counselling, coaching and wellbeing centre in Sydney's inner western suburbs. She's having amazing success, getting a profile in the media and going great guns. I'm so proud of her and inspired by her....and ok, maybe just a little jealous! ;)

Having quite an indepth conversation with Aunty Sammy. I think they might have been arguing over who was going to win the AFL Grand Final due to start in half an hour!

Another dream

This one wasn't very nice. Oh, and yes I'll get to posting the photos of the trip! :)

Yesterday afternoon I was talking to a colleague at work and saying that for the first time I'm really worried that someone in the house might actually end their own life. There are some serious mental health issues with some of the residents there at the moment and she (my colleague) agreed that she was concerned about the same thing. We normally have some really complex clients there but for me, this is more of a creepy vibe, or a sense of impending doom.

So anyway, last night I was lying in bed and I suddenly remembered a dream I'd had the night before last. I don't know why I'd forgotten it, but it suddenly came back to me. In the dream, I'd been at this place which was "work" (it wasn't my actual work but you know how it is in dreams...) and I was with a person who I think was my brother. A man was sitting down talking to someone when he suddenly turned to me and said he had a message. He was like a psychic guy and he said he'd been visited by an angel and asked to tell me something. Then I saw a woman standing next to him with long blonde hair. She looked very pale and spooky. I asked him if that's what the angel looked like and he said yes, her hair is white and I was like "wow I can see her". So he said she wanted to tell me that someone was going to die. He said she could see the word "Walker" printed on the forehead of the person next to me. "Walker" in this case referred to "walking dead". :-0

What is worrying me now is that if the dream was prophetic, why was my brother in it? And if it was really my brother, why were we at my work? So I don't know what the dream means or if it means anything at all, but considering some of the stuff I've been feeling at work, the dream suddenly felt horribly real. I couldn't sleep at all last night, going over all the details of it in my head. Or maybe the dream is what made me feel creepy. I really don't know.

I decided all I can do is send everyone white light and hope for the best. eek.

We're back

We had a fabulous time in Sydney and I'm a bit bummed to be back and having to go back to work today. :( I'll come back later and post the photos and fill you in on what we did. I had so much fun and so did Annabelle. Mel was with us this time and he was raving about how great Sydney is and how we can't sell the house because we want to move back there. DUH!!! So I guess it was good that he came with me this time so at least he gets what I'm on about.

I think I need to make some lifestyle changes if I'm to survive this city and a weekend away (and some lovely sunshine) has at least given me the inspiration to spend time thinking about what I really want to achieve over the next couple of years...

For now, it's time to get toddler dressed and head back to work. More later.

One step ahead of you, my friend...

If you've read this blog, you will know I am addicted to The West Wing. When I finish Season 7, there will definitely be tears. Oh who am I kidding? I cry in every episode, so when I finish Season 7 there will be THERAPY! There is no question about it. My life will not be the same.

I normally hire the discs four at a time and there are 3-4 episodes on each disc. I try to get through four discs in a week because they are weekly hire, but quite often I don't, so I have to re-hire a couple of them. That's ok though. I still always hire four, since it's four for $10... but I digress. My point is that from Season One right through to Season Seven, I have walked in and picked up the next four discs and pretty much every disc from every season has been there. Until last weekend...

I finished Season Six a week ago, and had a little break knowing that once Season 7 is over there's no more so at this point I really should pace myself. But after a week off, I was having some minor (read: major) withdrawal symptoms so I rushed to the store on the weekend to pick up the first four discs of Season 7. You can imagine my shock and dismay when I got there and *gasp* Disc 3 of Season 7 was missing!! How could it be? For starters, what kind of fan hires out ONE DISC? There should be a law against it. And besides, it totally screwed up my 4 for ten bucks deal! There's no point hiring Discs 1, 2, 4 and 5!!!! I NEEDED DISC THREE!!

After taking a moment to collect my thoughts, I decided the only thing to do was hire Discs 1 and 2 and watch them slooooooowwwly so that by the time I finished them, Disc 3 would be safely back on the shelf. Yeah right! I had finished both discs (yes, seven episodes) the very next day and had Mel furiously dialling the video store to see if Disc 3 had been returned. But it hadn't. How bloody rude. The only comforting thought at this point was that Season 7 is not for weekly hire - it's only four day hire. So I only had to wait until tomorrow to get my much anticipated WW fix.

But today while I was at work, I had a terrifying thought. What if the rude individual (who doesn't deserve to be called a fan. One disc. ppffttt!), takes back Disc three today and hires out Disc FOUR?! And keeps it for another FOUR DAYS!!!! I might have actually started to hyperventilate at the thought of it. Mel happened to phone me just at that moment and when I answered the phone, before even saying hello, the words were pouring out of my mouth.. "I'm afraid something terrible is going to happen. I think the bastard who has my Disc Three is going to try to get away with my Disc Four. We have to DO something!". Mel, who knows me well enough not to take this lightly, immediately went into action planning. "What do we do? Do you want me to call them and find out if it's there?" I calmed down and said no, it's fine, I need to learn to live without it anyway and I'll just wait until it's due back tomorrow.

We got home and Mel was still plotting. This is why I love my husband. He called the video store to ask if my Disc Three was back and found out that it was actually due back at 7.30pm tonight, not tomorrow as previously advised. TONIGHT!! He left his number and asked to be notified immediately of its return to circulation. He also (bless him) instructed the shop dude to put Discs 4, 5 and 6 on hold. Ha! TAKE THAT you non-fan. I'd love to see the look on their face when they try to get the next disc and find out they can't have it. That's called KARMA baby! :-D *does victory dance*

Note: at the time of writing, there has been no phone call from the video store, so it is possible that Disc Three is now officially overdue. This may call for more serious action. Last time I checked there were 175 video stores in the greater Adelaide region...

My love affair with pastry

I know how sad this is, but I have only recently discovered the world of pastry. Do you know how versatile that stuff is? It started several weeks ago when I decided to make quiche. Having never made quiche before (I know, pathetic), I was amazed at how simple and delicious it was! I started with salmon and it was very yummy so the next weekend I made another salmon one. The following weekend I decided to get creative and made one with asparagus and mushroom and another with.. wait for it... pumpkin, baby spinach and parmesan. MMMMMMMMMMM! It's become somewhat of a Sunday morning ritual. We have quiche and salad for lunch and it makes lunches for a few days after.

But we all need a challenge and seeing as how I am obviously now a quiche connoisseur, I decided it was time to move onto PUFF PASTRY. So last Sunday morning instead of the standard quiche, I whipped up some spinach and ricotta with fetta, garlic, cheddar, lemon juice and mint, and made some spinach and ricotta filo parcels. I'm telling you my husband would have married me all over again. They were to die for. I'm not sure what's going to be next on my pastry journey - perhaps some kind of pie...? Really, the possibilities are endless. Ah, pastry. Where have you been all my life?

Another passport dream...

About a week ago I had a dream that I thought was significant. I won't go into all the boring detail but it involved me preparing to catch a LARGE plane. Interestingly, I was aware in my dream that I was overseas and the plane was to bring me home, not the other way around. I was in an airport and people were around me, ready to see me off. I was collecting things along the way that I would need, and then - right when I was ready to board, I suddenly stopped frozen with the realisation that I don't have a passport. That was the end of the dream. Except that I remember thinking "But I'm already overseas so I must have got here without one, therefore I'm sure I'll get back without one. I'll just get on the plane and no-one will ask me for it".

Now, in reality my passport has expired and I need to get a new one so maybe the dream was literal but I got the feeling it was more symbolic.

Fast-forward to a couple of nights ago and this time I was stuck in heavy traffic. It was going way too slow and I was in a hurry to get to this place where I was to collect my passport. When I got there, it wasn't an actual passport, it was more of a security ID thing. The lady who gave it to me assured me that it's all I would need. So again, I got the feeling I didn't need the actual passport.

I've been thinking a lot about these dreams and I'm thinking that maybe the passport is my Masters degree. I've been hesitant about starting a supervision program because everyone tells me that in psychology you really should get the Masters. Even though I know plenty of psychologists who don't have it and are very successful, those are psychs who were registered years ago before Masters became the way to go. Medicare rebate for Clinical Psychologists (ie with a Masters) is $110 an hour, but it's only $75 an hour for psychs without a Masters so if I was to bulk-bill, I'd automatically be increasing my income by at least 25% with a Masters degree. And these days most hospitals will only employ Masters graduates and the same with a lot of organisations. But on the other hand, it's hard work, it's expensive and it's time consuming. And you don't actually need it to practice as a psychologist.

Argh, I'm getting myself all confused again but I think both those dreams were telling me that I don't need it. And my gut feeling is that I need to start the supervision program and see where it takes me (ie just get on the plane). The woman who has offered to supervise me is very well regarded in the industry and I'm sure she would have lots of contacts who could possibly help with my career after I'm registered. She is on the board of the Australian Association for Infant Mental Health and her colleague wrote the position paper on Controlled Crying which I spam people with whenever I get a chance. These are people I would LOVE to get to know better.

We'll see. With a bit more meditation and some more passport dreams, I might have an answer...

First haircut!

Well, her first proper haircut at the hairdressers I mean. I don't think resorting to using scissors to chop out a huge, tangled knot counts as a haircut does it? Because I've had to do that a few times. *blush*

Annabelle has lovely blonde curls and we've been happily letting them grow wild but when the child hates having her hair brushed and is also slightly (ok, very) averse to having her hair washed, it's hard to keep that mane under control. She's constantly brushing her fringe out of her eyes with jam-covered fingers. Ugh! So we decided we should probably get some professional advice on the subject. She knows all about haircuts because when mummy and daddy get one, she spends the whole day saying "Mummy, BOOOOO-ful haircut. Daddy BOOOOO-ful haircut". So we spent a few days leading up to the big event telling her it was her turn to have a booooful haircut!

Saturday morning came, and as soon as she woke up she reminded us that it was haircut day. The kid has a memory. We explained to her that she'd have to sit very still while the lady brushed her hair and she said "Lady make Annabelle cry?". We said no there'd be no reason to cry and she said again "Lady make Annabelle sad?". Who knows why she thought this was going to be a terrible experience?.. Possibly because me brushing her hair usually results in tears... or maybe she was remembering the last lady I took her to, and that would be the DENTIST! That one definitely made Annabelle cry.

So off we went and as it turned out, none of us had reason to be concerned. She sat in dad's lap while she got brushed and snipped and was very happy to watch the whole thing in the mirror. When the mirror got boring, they brought us some books. Clearly they had done this before. The end result was that we decided to leave her fringe to grow out but she (hairdresser) took about an inch off the bottom which she said was baby hair that would start breaking off anyway. She left with a beautiful butterfly clip, a nice neat part for the first time in her life, and swanned around the salon giving the royal wave to all the customers. "Byeeeee!! See ya laaaaater!!" and with that, dad bribed her with a marshmallow to get her out of the salon while I stayed and finished getting my colour done. She got a little certificate to mark the occasion, together with a handful of curls to take home in an envelope. And here are the pics of the big event:

Decisions, decisions...

I found a new (potential) supervisor. She is a Clinical Psychologist who specialises in attachment and relationships and works with mothers and children. Totally up my alley. She's very lovely and would be a great supervisor and if I kept working here and undertook a supervision program I'd be registered in two years. Cool. The catch is that her fee is higher than the other dude I was going to go with, and I'm not sure if my boss will pay the extra, but maybe I could kick it in myself. I'm not sure but I'm happy to have the option of working with her.

To keep my options open, I've also applied for Masters next year. I wouldn't be able to afford to study full-time so I'd have to do it part-time which would take FOUR years. Ugh. But it's a much more highly regarded qualification and I'm probably going to do it eventually anyway. Even doing it part-time I could probably only work part-time because it's pretty full on - so between working part-time and studying part-time, Annabelle would still need to be in full-time daycare. And of course my current job is five days, so I'd have to either negotiate less hours or find a different job.

I don't know which is the best way to go. I also don't know how long we might stay in Adelaide so the two year supervision option seems more attractive because it's quicker and at least I'm earning money and I would get registered (Hello Medicare Rebate!) and then there are Masters courses you can do externally once you're registered.

*sigh* gotta go.. I'm supposed to be working... but I'm all confused. I think I need to meditate on it.

Email me

You know how I got the fancy spancy new computer? Well all my addresses are stored in the old one and I thought maybe to save going through and finding you all and transferring them over, you could just email me because once you have done that, your email will be saved on my new computer when I pick up the email. What's that you say? Me? Lazy? Just do it.

I got a new computer

It's an iMac and I'm totally in love with it. Yes, it's a desktop but since I've already got a laptop I figured I didn't need another one. The old one is getting too slow and the hard disk is full and it would have been too expensive to upgrade the memory so now I have one of these. Yeah baby.

What you see is the whole thing. No big CPU or anything, just a screen with a keyboard and mouse attached. Have I mentioned I'm in love with it? I could just sit and stare at it all day. The DVD burner is on the side of the screen, the webcam is built in and all the hard drive is built in. I have to go, Annabelle wants to play with it and I'm telling her exactly what I said to Mel. Get your mitts off it, baby it's MINE MINE MINE!!!!!!!

Spring has sprung!

The first day of Spring was a bit of a fizzer here in SA. It was cold and raining and I was quite put out because I usually LOVE the first of September and usually it seems to know what it's supposed to do and manages to turn on some nice weather, even if only for the day. Alas, not so this year..

I'm happy to report that yesterday was much more seasonal. Gorgeous and warm with blue skies. I had to drive to an appointment and even had the window wound down enjoying the warm breeze. Last night, for the first night in months we slept without the a/c on overnight (no lectures about my carbon footprint, this house is freezing in the winter!) and when we got home in the afternoon, I actually opened up the back of the house and Annabelle happily played outside in the daylight at 6pm.

The change in season has definitely changed my mood. After being in a slump for the past few weeks I'm feeling a little more positive about lots of things that I've been feeling less than positive about. I'm still re-thinking this whole working gig though. Well, I should say I'm rethinking the working FIVE DAYS thing. I don't enjoy being apart from Annabelle that long and worry about how it might affect her in the long-term. Now that the novelty of the job is wearing off, it's really starting to bother me. I have to say, nice weather certainly isn't conducive to wanting to be in an office for five days!! I'd much rather be in the park with my girl.

Who knows? If interest rates keep coming down maybe I can afford to find something part-time. Wouldn't that be nice!

I hate conflict

Some people get a real adrenaline rush out if it but I don't. I hate it. This week everyone seems to be hot under the collar about something or other and people who think they are safe to vent to other people are upsetting the people they're venting about and things are being blown out of all proportion and... ugh! What a lot of unnecessary angst.

I think my stars for the month said something like the people who are culled from my life this month I'll be better off without. Amen to that.

New runners

Mel and I both bought new runners yesterday. Getting new running shoes is always very exciting I think. It's not so much about the shoes but the anticipation of what you might do in them. As I tried mine on, I had mental images of striding along the waterfront on a beautiful Spring morning or pumping some iron in the gym or crossing the finish line in a 10km fun run (or even a half marathon). For Mel it's all about Hawaiian Ironman. After all these years, he still hasn't let go of that dream. And good on him because yesterday he bought new shoes and to his credit, this morning he put them on and headed out the door. It's bloody cold out there!

I'm looking forward to tying up my laces and going to the gym later, even though I haven't had the motivation to go for three weeks. See what new shoes can do? hmmmm.... imagine how fit I could get with an iPod Nano..... :)

Hallelujah

I love this song. I'm making a slideshow of Annabelle's birth with this song as the backdrop. I'm happy to admit I stole the idea from my friend Dija but I'm pretty sure she used Jeff Buckley's version so I'm still kind of being original. And between you and me, I'm not gay but I'd do KD Lang if she sang this to me..

I love child care rebate

I seriously do. Because I never think about it so when it turns up in my bank account it's like Christmas. Child Care Benefit is a different story because it saves what comes out of your pocket on a week to week basis, so you do think about it. I loved getting that saving on a day to day basis and I was a bit pissed off when they scrapped the minimum which made us ineligible. In fact, our weekly fees went up by about $70 when they scrapped the minimum (mainly because f*cking ABC put the fees up by 16% of course but that's another story).

The thing is though... I expect that if I want my kid to be cared for, I have to pay for it. I go to work and bring home my scabby minimum wage and for the pleasure of working (I do love working) I have to pay for child care. That's very reasonable. Daycare is cheaper than a nanny and Adelaide daycare is cheaper than Sydney by a mile. So I have no problem paying it. It's just another bill like electricity.

EXCEPT that they don't give you half your electricity bill BACK!! Ha! This is why I love that damn rebate. All of a sudden when you least expect it, wham goes a couple of g's into your bank account. It's like forced savings and now it's 50% thanks to KRudd. He's a Queenslander of course.

Another big week...

I seem to say that a lot don't I? I don't know if they really are big weeks by normal people's standards or if everything seems big to me since I've been out of the workforce for such a long time. Still, it was an eventful one I think.

This week after I recovered from my sore throat I had a talk with the CEO of our organisation about some staffing issues. I raised some concerns that she (the CEO) was unaware of because she works in a different building. It was, as Annabelle would say "scawy", but it was such a weight off. The CEO was very grateful.

Also the psych dude who was going to supervise me now can't do it because he already has two trainees. I actually knew that was the rule and raised it with him weeks ago but he said it was fine. So I had a meeting with him on Wednesday and told him I think he really needs to double-check and sure enough I was right. Aren't I always? ;) So I can start with him in November but I've had some misgivings about him from the start so I might use the opportunity to see if there's someone else I'm more comfortable with.

We got word that this house we're renting has been sold. Woohoo! An investor has bought it so he won't want us to move out and THANK GOD for no more open houses. I think we've also made a decision (at least until we change our minds again...) not to sell our house in Sydney. It's a good house and Sydney will always get good growth, especially in our suburb we think. And we don't know how long we're going to be in Adelaide so I personally am very comfortable to continue renting here and keep that house as a tax deduction. Secretly I hope we can move back into it one day. I love Sydney and I really loved living where we lived. I miss our neighbours and the village and the playground and everything about it.

On Thursday night, Annabelle fell off a chair flat on her face and got a bleeding nose. It was awful. Mel was in an airport in Canberra so I was on my own. She cried until she vomited and I had all sorts of awful things running through my head like "concussion". But after a little while she was fine. It made me very glad I was doing my first aid course on Friday though.

Which brings me to Friday. I'm all CPR'd up, so feel free to keel over right in front of me and I'll give you the kiss of life. If you're good looking. If not, I'll cover your face and pretend you're Hugh Jackman, which is the advice our teacher gave us. Very sensible I thought.

And now it's the weekend. Mel leaves tomorrow morning for his leadership thing in Melbourne all week so I plan to make the most of our last full day together. No sore throats to spoil our fun. Hooray for that.

Don't ask, don't get!

Remember that parking fine I got? And the reminder fee that I was REALLY pissed off about? Well I wrote a letter outlining my concerns and asking that the penalty fee be waived. I got the reply today to say they had waived it. It was only $36 but it put such a big smile on my face.

I went and let my guard down...

and now I'm sick. Damn.

All winter I've stayed healthy by loading up on vitamins. No kidding, one day I spent $90 at the chemist just on vitamins. But it's been worth it. When Mel was in bed for five straight days, I never even got a sniffle. Here's what I normally take each day: 6000mg of Garlic, 3000mg of Vitamin C, two doses of Greenridge Flubiotic, and a Swisse Women's Ultivite. Germs can't touch me.

But the last time we had a house inspection I put all the vitamins away in the cupboard when I was tidying up and I dunno... I forgot to take them out again I guess. So Friday night I woke up with razorblades in my throat. Aaarrgghhhhh!!!! Mel has the same thing. I'm so annoyed, mainly because I HATE feeling sick. A sore throat is the pits. Of course even though we have the same thing, Mel's feeling much worse than me *coughsissycough*

So I'm back on the superdoses of vitamins again but I'm afraid it's too late. Let it be a lesson to you all. Don't let your guard down. Those germs are sneaky buggers.

Catherine Tate

I'm a relative newcomer, but already a huge fan of Catherine Tate, who has a variety of characters she plays. Check out her Gran character for now and I'll post more later:

Life is short

A couple of years ago, when I was pregnant with Annabelle, I went with Mel to his golf presentation night and sat next to a girl called Lisa. She was very attractive, young (perhaps mid 30s) and full of bubbly conversation. Apparently she was an ex-elite tennis player so she was very fit and healthy.

Lisa went on a trip overseas and when she came back she felt bloated and sick. She went to the doctor thinking she might have gall stones and found out she had cancer. Her liver was so riddled with it they couldn't believe she was up walking around. She started intensive treatment immediately. At some point prior to her diagnosis, she and Mel were partners in a golf tournament and they made it through to the state final which was at a resort in Port Stephens. We made a weekend of it and had a great time.It was just after her first round of chemo that we had our trip. She was wearing scarves during the day and wigs for dinner but apart from that, you would never have known she was sick. She was so positive and full of life. By then, Annabelle was five months old.

Since then, we've moved to Adelaide and Mel has stayed in touch with Lisa while she continues to get treatment. Whenever in Sydney, he goes to visit her and he's seen her health gradually decline to the point of her being unrecognisable and having difficulty talking.

Last night, Mel got a phone call to say Lisa died yesterday.

Life really can be devastatingly short. I've been moping around all week bemoaning all sorts of things that are minor inconveniences in the big scheme of things and it's given me a bit of a reality check about what's important in life.

RIP Lisa.

Do you like books?

I love books. I buy way more books than I read. Books are my biggest indulgence.

A lot of the books I buy aren't readily available in stores here so I often find myself shopping on Amazon and paying heaps in postage etc. WELL.. I am here to tell you today that there are alternatives to Amazon and I have found them!

For an aussie site with free postage, check out Fishpond and if you want to contribute to global literacy, try Better World. I've ordered from BW and am waiting on my order (a little slow, but hey.. free delivery!) and I have yet to try out Fishpond but I'm sure I'll think of something to order soon. :)

Happy shopping (and reading!).

Quick update

Sorry I haven't had much time to post lately. I'll come back later to write more but just wanted to stop in and say hi. The Scarsdale Challenge had to end four days early when I remembered I was booked into a two day training program with lunch provided, but in ten days I lost 3.5kg. Yay! Training involved muffins and biscuits and some creamy lunch dish so I think I've put back on a kilo. Ah well....

Speaking of training though, it was really, really good. It was about working with abused chidren (or children exposed to family violence, which is a form of emotional abuse) and their parents. It was also about how abuse and violence in the first few years of life affect a child's brain development. It was SO interesting and I'm hoping to use a lot of it in my work. I've got another more indepth training next month just on the brain development stuff and I'm wetting my pants with excitement about that one already.

Apart from that I've been feeling very "meh". I don't know if it's hormones (I still have to get that damned Mirena removed) but every now and then I get very dissatisfied with my lot in life, in particular being in this place where I have no friends, no-one who can look after Annabelle so we can get a break, no real relationship with my husband because of the aforementioned lack of time together. We started talking yesterday about planning for a holiday at Christmas, so that perked me up a bit considering the last time we had a real holiday was 2004! It has to be somewhere that has a creche though because if we spend $5000 to go on a holiday and still get no break, I will book myself into the nut farm.

Editor's note

The link I posted to the Scarsdale Diet on Wiki isn't the best link to use if you are actually thinking of doing the diet. It leaves out some foods and doesn't include all the rules and FAQs. I've found a better link and will re-post it again HERE for anyone who feels like taking the Scarsdale Challenge. :)

The highs and lows

Here's a snapshot of my week in review...

I asked my boss whether the organisation would support me to get my psych registration through supervision. I also asked to be sent on some very interesting, and quite expensive training. She said yes to both. I even found a supervisor and have an appt with him for this coming Monday. The idea of getting my psych registration in 2yrs is about enough to make me wet my pants. That was most definitely a high!

Yesterday I had my first experience of one of our clients having her child removed by the State. It happened on site so I had to be there to assist. I can't go into all the details but the whole ordeal took several hours and was a draining, emotional, and frustrating experience. That was a low, for sure. And still is.

On a much more trivial level, I'm sticking to the Scarsdale Diet with a steely resolve I wasn't quite expecting. I think having a few of us doing it together makes a huge difference. Five days into it, I'm about 2.5-3kg lighter and more to the point, even after my very emotional day yesterday, I had no inclination to pour a large glass of SSB when I got home (that's Sem Sauv Blanc for the uninitiated ;)). So my jeans finally fitting me again is definitely a high.

Mel got home on Monday from the UK and was jet-lagged for two days before getting the flu. He has now been in bed for three whole days and doesn't look to be getting better any time soon. It's been awful for me. Never mind him. I feel like a single parent! I was actually getting a bit snippy with him thinking he just had the man-flu (you know.. "achooo... ooohhhh I'm going to diiiiiieeeeeee..") but now I'm really feeling for him. He was due to fly overseas tomorrow to present a paper at an international conference and he spent many, many long nights putting together that paper and was really excited about it. Today he cancelled the trip because he's just too sick to fly, let alone get up and deliver a paper. He can't even get out of bed. I feel sad for him. That's a low. :(

I think they're the highlights. Oh, unless you count me buying a dress on sale today for $19.95. When I got home and peeled off all the layers of price-tags, I saw that the original price was $139.95!! W00ts. That's a high. Over and out.

I'm annoyed

About six weeks ago, we parked for too long in the Coles carpark and got a ticket. Ok, we weren't actually shopping at Coles so we deserved it. It was $19. I can hear Sydneysiders laughing.. yes $19. The minimum ticket I ever got in Sydney was $73 and that was for parking on my uni campus, not even on a public street!!

It was due a week ago and with Mel away I totally forgot about it. Finally posted a cheque off on Monday. On Wednesday I received a reminder notice so there must have been a cross-over between them receiving my payment and mailing the reminder. That would be fine, except that the reminder (note: this fine was only a week overdue) has an additional penalty of $36 added to the original $19! THIRTY-SIX DOLLARS!!!!!

I appreciate that it's not going to break the bank, but I get SO PISSED OFF with big organisations charging totally unreasonable fees. Like the bloody bank honour fees which have recently been found to be legally unenforceable! I'm pretty sure a "reminder fee" that is almost double the original infringement is not a reasonable reflection of the cost incurred to the council in sending the reminder letter and don't think I won't be telling them that today!

Can you tell I'm annoyed? I'm really annoyed. What if I hadn't paid it because I'm really destitute? How is it helpful to slap someone having financial troubles with a ridiculously inflated penalty fee? Who do they think they are? I'm annoyed. Don't think I'm not going to tell them today. And I'll probably end up paying the fucking fee but not before I express an opinion about it.

Drastic times call for drastic measures

At work the other day, a few of us were talking about our healthy eating efforts. Or lack thereof. None of us are overweight at all... in fact, Heather looks like a Barbie doll and Lynett certainly wears her jeans well but we were talking about you know... the last 3 kgs. Not enough for most people to worry about but enough for our clothes to be too tight. We all nodded and mmmm'd with sympathetic understanding. As we chit-chatted I said maybe we should all do the South Beach diet (I don't even know what it is, I just like the name) and we all considered that option. Heather wiki'd it and we huddled around the computer checking out how strict it might be. Then I said (foolishly) that if were going to deprive ourselves we should really just do the Scarsdale diet for two weeks, get our results and get on with it. I told them how, in my early twenties, I had lost 7kg in two weeks and kept it off and that my friends had all had similar results.

Well, that was enough to get everyone's attention. Heather's fingers got working on the wiki and everyone decided it was very doable. My testimony as to its results sealed the deal. We consulted our diaries, which included upcoming social commitments and training days (with lunch provided) and decided that Monday 14th July was the best day to start.

So today's the day. Didn't I say I couldn't do deprivation any more? How did I get talked into this? And considering Heather is 21 and Lynett is 25 and I am 36, how come I wasn't the adult in this situation telling those young things to be more sensible? I was in fact encouraging them!! Gah. Well.. now we're committed and we're in it together. Today my scales tipped 68.6kg and I couldn't do the zip up on my new work pants. It was enough to make me decide maybe this isn't a bad idea after all.

I need to debrief

So about my job (which I don't like to talk about due to confidentiality etc etc but ANYWAY)... after a week of no kids at all, this week we have finished up with a total of five in the house - ranging from 2wks old straight from hospital, to almost 3yrs old (mum is 18). In between there is a 5mth old whose mum is schizophrenic and escaping domestic violence; another one having his first birthday TODAY (happy birthday little man and welcome to a homeless shelter), and another 2yo with an 18yo mum who was raised by a junkie and who is still in love with her ex-partner who beat the crap out of her. *sigh*

I want to help them all, but trying to get time to even see them is hard when they are up and out the door in the mornings, often not to return until after dark (despite it being freezing cold outside and their baby needing a sleep!). Today one of them promised staff she was going to see about housing (a condition of their stay with us) and while I was out getting a coffee, I happened to see her scurrying along with her 2yo in the pram, then jumping into a ute with some rough looking guy, with the child in her lap (no car seat) and taking off for who knows where. I'd almost guarantee she was going to do drugs. I actually walked up and banged on the door of the car as he was taking off, and told her to promise me she'd be back before 4pm so I could talk to her, but of course she wasn't.

The thing is.. how much can I do? If I have an expectation that I'll save them all, I'm setting myself up for disappointment but the thought of little babies suffering just breaks my heart. I guess I need to find a balance and an appropriate level of detachment. I know that a baby needs to be with its mother and most mothers love their child no matter how shit a job they are doing so I hate the thought of a child being taken from its mum. They just need to be educated to be a better parent, but usually that involves working through a lifetime of crap, not just a couple of quick lessons in Parenting 101. Hence my dilemma. I see them so briefly.

So I think I need to go and watch West Wing and chill out for a while. I've been finding myself thinking about these kids and their mums at night and on weekends, and it really can be all-consuming when you let yourself get attached. Not that I'd change it, because I think if you get too detached, you can be uncaring and I like that I care, and I think THEY like that I care. So I won't change that.

But yeah.. balance...

My brilliant career

You all know I'm trying to be a psychologist, right? And increasingly I want to be a psychologist who works with infants and mothers on attachment/bonding issues... or even with adults who have attachment (relationship) problems due to their own insecure attachments as an infant. The whole field fascinates me and it is where my future lies, I'm sure of it.

So I took this job because it is working with mothers and babies in crisis. If there was ever the likelihood of attachment issues, this is where they are. Not to mention most of the mothers (ok, all of them) have shitty relationships with their own mothers and having an insecure attachment with your own parent is THE key indicator of having an insecure attachment with your own child. Some of the young mothers I see were helping their mothers shoot up while other kids were playing with barbie dolls. One was hanging out the washing and cooking her own dinner when she was six. She is now 18yo with an adorable, healthy 2yr old... but you have to wonder about their future.

But I digress. Let's get back to talking about me :)

So the job is great but it's not getting me registered as a psych. For that I need to either go back and do Masters (2yrs F/T or 4yrs P/T) or be supervised, which basically means work in the field, meet with a supervisor once a week, and do a number of field placements to get a variety of experience. It takes two years too, but these days is considered a "lesser" qualification than a Masters. Well, it always was.. but these days Masters is kind of the minimum standard for a lot of employers. It's a good way to go though, if you don't get into Masters or don't want to do it straight away (like me). The upside is that you can get registered in two years while earning an income, as opposed to being a full-time student (no income and the course costs $14k per year... not to mention child care costs. eek.)

ANYWAY, I had given up hope on the second option until I was introduced to a girl through my work, who works for a different organisation but in a similar kind of field (with young offenders) who is being supervised AND her work is paying for it! I honestly didn't know these kinds of arrangements existed anymore so it has given me renewed hope. Apparently, they just called this guy (the supervisor, who runs his own private practice) randomly and he took her on. They even haggled down his fee. Cool. So even if I have to pay for it myself, just to know that I can make a call and start working towards my psych registration is really encouraging.

Now, to get work to pay for it....