I think I've decided...

Well, I had kind of already decided so I should more accurately say I think I am happy with the decision...

.. to not have another baby until I finish uni.

I KNOW, I KNOW I've already said that but what you don't realise is that I have had a lot of angst about this and haven't been reeeally sure it was the right thing. And I don't like angst. Nuh-uh. I do not like angst one little bit. But today I came to a point of feeling quite happy that this is a good decision.

If you don't give a rat's arse about how I have come to this sense of resolve and inner peace then you can stop reading now. Because I feel the need to share so I'm going to.

The thing that was worrying me about waiting any longer to have the baby is that Annabelle is already THREE and even if I time the pregnancy (as much as you can time these things!!) to have the baby as soon as I finish my course, which is the end of next year.. then there will be close to five years between them. I thought that was too long. She seems like she's ready for a sibling NOW and in fact she often asks me when she is having a baby sister.

Also, I thought that part of the idea of having more than one child is so that they can grow up together and be friends, and leaving it too much longer means there probably isn't too much chance that they're going to be spending a lot of time playing together. Well, not like they would if they were closer in age, y'know? She will be off at school when the next one is still a tiny baby.

And also, the early years are bloody hard work and I would really like to get them over and done with so that I can get on with enjoying all the things you can do with older kids. And that's not to say I'm wishing these years away but really.. there are a lot of restrictions on your lifestyle and choices when you have tiny babies and I think it's only since Annabelle is getting bigger and more independent that I'm realising it actually does get easier (thank christ) and I want more of the easier and less of the harder. :)

BUT...(here's the bit where I contradict everything I just said)

I really have to finish this uni course because it's been twenty goddamn years since I wanted to be a psychologist and I'm afraid if I pull out now, it might never happen!! I just want to get the damn thing over with.

And secondly - and more importantly - today as we spent our time with Annabelle, instead of me feeling bad that she's stuck with two adults and no kid company, I realised that actually she gets ALL of our attention and that's really lovely for her, and for us. To be able to really enjoy these early years with her and for her not to have to compete for attention is kind of nice. Not that having a sibling would be bad, but I just could see for the first time that there are advantages to her being the only one... for now.

And then if I have another baby after she's started school, she'll be off onto her next stage of life and the new baby will also be able to enjoy that quality one-on-one time with me and he also won't have to compete too much for attention. So in a way, I think spreading them out is nice for them both.

That's what I've decided anyway so don't anyone argue with me now that I'm happy! :)