It's 10:24pm on New Year's Eve

Mel and Annabelle are in bed and I'm about to join them. We kind of thought we'd have a nice night together (me and him that is), after putting her to bed early. Perhaps a bbq in the backyard and some quiet time to reflect on the year that was and plan optimistically for what we might do in the new year.

Ha! Wishful thinking.

She took forever to get to sleep, even after having no sleep all day. I got the shits and left her in the bedroom around 8.15pm and lay on the couch with a pillow over my head. He got her to sleep but in the meantime I must have dozed off. I woke to find him watching one of the Bourne movies so I got up and went to read my book in another room. He came by to say goodnight about half an hour ago. So that was it. Happy New Year.

Ho hum.

On another note entirely, last night I had my very first night away from Annabelle. Yes, my first night in 2 years and 7 months!! I think I fretted much more than she did but all in all, it was lovely to have my own time (mind you I was working both days) and Mel seems to have enjoyed it too. He took her back down to Victor Harbor where he had friends staying. They have late-teen/grown up children and an exchange student and a dog, so plenty of people to keep Annabelle entertained and dote on her. He said he found it a little hard to relax properly, but he managed to leave her with them (tear-free!) and play 9 holes of golf so that's an achievement too!

It's no wonder she was a bit hyped up tonight I guess, after all the excitement. So while NYE is quite the non-event, there are certainly things to look forward to in the new year. Like many more father/daughter weekends away!!! :)

Decisions made so far...

I told you I accepted the uni offer just to buy some decision-making time, right? So I decided that I really do want to do the course but I prefer to do it part-time. I was feeling all claustrophobic because suddenly I had all these options in front of me and felt like I had to do them ALL RIGHT NOW. But then I took a breath and realised there is plenty of time for everything.

So I emailed the course coordinator and reinforced that I am VERY excited about studying but is it possible to change to part-time. Today I got a reply that basically said "No problem. Thanks for letting me know. Let's meet in a couple of weeks and look at your planned timetable and work it all out for you". YAY!! Oh, and to put it in perspective.. I don't know if I've mentioned this already but there are only five full-time equivalent places in this course. So five full-time or ten part-time but obviously most people study full-time so they told me in the interview that the only way they can take on a part-timer is if they have another part-timer to take up the other half a place. So I was quite worried that wanting to go part-time would be a BIG problem. I'm very relieved that she was nice about it.

Doing this course means I start studying at the end of January in a Summer Intensive program and even on a half-time basis, that will involve 4 x half-days per week for a month or so. So I absolutely cannot continue to do my job at the same number of hours that I'm currently doing. Which means I have to have a conversation with the CEO and it's one I'm not looking forward to. eek.

Another dream

Here I go boring you with dream posts again, but this one I want to write down so I remember.

I dreamed that Mel and I were driving to Victor Harbor, which is a beachy town where we are spending Christmas night and Boxing Day. We've never been there before. (That bit is actually real - we are going there for Xmas. So in my dream, that's what we were doing. Got it?) As we drove towards the beach we were looking at the view of the ocean and thinking it looked SO good. Then suddenly we realised that we had driven to the end of this jetty thing and if we kept going we would have gone straight over the edge and plummeted into the ocean. Scary, man.

So we stopped and got out of the car and were standing there kind of looking at each other thinking how scary it was, and not really game to look down because you know.. it was scary! But we decided that if we didn't look down and instead just looked out across the ocean, we could really enjoy the view. And it was AMAZING. This huge vast ocean, so tranquil and calm and it was a green colour. I know that sounds gross but it was a gorgeous green ocean and it was amazing and we were both going 'Wow, This is amazing. How come we haven't come here before?

Then we backtracked along the jetty thing until we got to the edge of the sand and we realised that if we just walked on the sand we could get to the ocean without having the big jump off the cliff scenario. Just a gradual walk along the soft sand. And there were all these teenage kids dancing on the beach and having a dance-off thing and we were watching them for a while and then thinking we should check into our hotel. I dunno if that's relevant.

So here goes the interpretation: The falling off the edge of the jetty (taking a flying leap) is the whole idea of having another baby. Very bloody scary. But if we don't think about that, and look at the big picture (long-term) it's actually quite an amazing vision for the future. Water represents emotions and this water was calm and peaceful. Green is the colour of healing. So the calm, clear, green water is a good sign. That it was vast and expansive is even better. Obviously backtracking to the sand and realising we could walk to the water is about the gradual process of the whole having a baby experience. By the time you get pregnant, it's 9mths and then you just take each day, month, year at a time until you get to the teenagers in the dance-off I guess.

And maybe the bit about going off to find the hotel room meant that it's time to get cracking. :)

Equality, my arse

Here's what shits me.. We are supposed to live in an age where men and women are pretty much equal. And don't get me wrong - I totally believe that women are designed to be primary carers of children; biologically and emotionally I think we are built for that purpose. But feeding and nurturing a child aside, there are plenty of household and child-rearing activities that could be divided equally between men and women, and certainly in our household they most certainly are not. Mel would argue that point of course

When Annabelle was a baby, Mel worked from home. His job was to earn money, mine was to be primary carer of her. But at nights and on weekends, as far as I'm concerned, we SHARE household and child-rearing duties except for the obvious breastfeeding one. Do you think he ever once had to say to me "Hey I just need to go to the toilet, can you watch her for a minute?" Ummmm... NO! From the day she was born he has come and gone as he pleased. So how come I had to ask permission to pee?? How come he got to say "Hey I'm really needing a break, I think I'll go out for a game of golf on Sunday, ok?" fully expecting that I would stay home and attend to the child. Or "I'm just ducking down to the shop. Back in five". I would have to say "Is it ok if I got to the shop? She's been fed, her nappy's changed. If she gets whingey, try this, this and this." And then I'd go to the shop and I'd get a frantic text message saying "She's hysterical!!" and I'd have to dump the shopping and run home. ok not every time but sometimes.

And now, 2.5 years later, with both of us working he gets to say "I'm having a drink after work. I'll be on a tram just after 5pm" then gets delayed and is still having a drink at 6pm. I'm not saying that's late nor am I complaining that he's having a drink. It's the expectation that he can do that without there ever being an equivalent expectation on my part. He picks and chooses when he'll go to work and when he'll come home, whereas it's expected that my work has to be managed around her. It is so fucking 1950's!

And I'm actually not even blaming him or having a go at him. I know it sounds suspiciously like that, but I think we women are our own worst enemies! The other day when he complained about our house being a pig-sty with toys everywhere (it is), I actually felt guilty. Can you believe that? I work full-time but somewhere in my brain I have a subconscious belief that housework is my job. I get stressed about mopping floors and doing grocery shopping on weekends. I'm pretty sure he doesn't. Why is that??! When his friend visited from overseas a few weeks ago, they sat out the back drinking beer and I was inside reading a book. I actually got up and went out and asked if they wanted food even though I wasn't hungry. HOW IS THAT MY JOB??????? And he never said it was my job, I thought it was my job. But having said that, I bet that neither one of them was sitting out there wondering what they'd have for dinner while there was a woman in the house. They would have both been fully expecting that I would take care of that. Maybe I'm being harsh, but I reckon they are programmed the same way. Even in this day and age, we're all programmed as to what's "woman's work" and "men's jobs". It's actually total crap and I am really thinking about it a lot since having a daughter. I feel very responsible for the messages I am sending her about what is expected of women and shouldn't be.

Disclaimer: Mel is a very good husband and he does heaps of stuff around the house. He cooks and does washing. But then again, why is he a "good husband" because he does stuff around the house? Why isn't that a given when you're two adults sharing a house? Why is it standard for me but "special" for him to do the same housework. Forget the disclaimer. There is no disclaimer.

Update...

I got an offer for Health Psychology. They need an answer by 5pm tomorrow. Argh!

I remember why I gave up drinking

oh my sore head. I didn't have a glass of wine for over a month. (I know how pathetic that sounds but really, it was a big effort for me. Not a single drop.) Then when I felt I'd successfully kicked the wine habit, I started having an occasional civilised glass of wine again. Until last night when I may or may not have gone slightly overboard. Partly I was a little excited about some plans we're making for next year, partly because I figure I should drink now while I can in case the cards are right and I get knocked up. I keep getting that darned pregnancy card. :)

Anyway, the upshot of all that is that I feel like utter crap. Get me back on that wagon pronto.

I'm so bloody tired

I don't mean a bit tired from a restless night, I mean chronically exhausted from working + child-rearing + coaching + housework + administrivia + never getting an unbroken night's sleep... everything. No break. Ever. I crave a holiday like you would not believe. I have no mental space, no inspiration, no creativity, no urge to have a conversation with anyone about anything because my brain doesn't function. I struggle to even relax and read a book because I can't concentrate on the words on the page. I struggle to meditate because I doze off.

Last Friday I dropped Annabelle at daycare early so I could sit in a cafe and have a coffee before work. I bought a take-away quiche while I was there and put it in the fridge at work for lunch. Not two hours later, someone at work asked me what I had for lunch and if I wanted to share a tin of tuna. I said I didn't have anything and actually handed over money to someone to go out and buy me a tomato and avocado so I could make a sandwich. I kicked myself for not buying something at the coffee shop. No shit. I TOTALLY forgot I had bought that quiche until I was making a quiche at home on Sunday. Duh!!

And how about this one? I'm up to about Take 893 when it comes to getting passports for Annabelle and I. Every time I think I'm good to go, I read through the application and realise I've forgotten something. Last week I realised I needed my marriage certificate and I appear to have lost it. So I have to send away urgently for that fricken thing so I can then send away urgently for the other fricken thing. No worries. Downloaded the form, ticked the boxes, photocopied my ID, calculated the fee and sent it off between my gazillion other things to do for the day. Got a phone call today from the NSW Register of Births, Deaths and Marriages...
"Sorry Mrs Dunn, I can't process your application".
"Oh really? Why not?"
"Well it says here you got married in Brisbane"
"Yes, that's right"
"Errr.. Mrs Dunn, we're the NEW SOUTH WALES Registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages".

I'm so bloody tired.

Oh fucken jeezus, Dad...

.. is what Annabelle said to Mel this afternoon when he was telling her off for something. She has also been heard to say it to her Dora doll in general conversation. Something along the lines of "Here Dora, Let's go to the shop. What you want Dora? Lollies?? Ok. And marshmallows? Ok. Do your seatbelt Dora. Good girl. Ok let's go. Oh Dora, you crying? I give you cuddle. Better now? ok. *sigh* Fucken jeezus Dora....!"

There's a five year old boy at her daycare who is constantly in the Director's office on "detention". He's got a foul mouth and a crappy attitude. Apparently LOTS of parents are complaining about their kids' picking up bad language. Amazing that one child could have that much influence in a centre of 80 kids.

Fucken Jeezus.

ok, this is the last change

I changed the design of my new blog (again), deleted the trivia posts and added some pictures, so I think I'm ready to start fully blogging again. I've changed the settings so you can get to it by typing my URL of www.cassandradunn.com.au and I'm about to delete my Typepad blog which I pay about $10 a month for because this one is FREEEEE!!!

I still need to fix up some links like on the Store page and add some content, but so far I'm happy with how it's looking.

I cancelled my interview for Org Psych today

HA!!! I cancelled it! Who does that?! All the cool kids are scurrying around Adelaide attending interviews left right and centre and hoping to goodness they get into any course that will take them so they don't end up without an offer and having to get a *gasp* JOB!! And here I am cancelling the damn interview when someone else much more worthy could have had that spot.

I'm so proud of myself because the instant I did it (like half an hour before I was due to front up for it :-0) I felt a great sense of relief. And not just relief for getting out of an interview but for getting out of that feeling of obligation like you *should* do something just because you've been offered it. No matter how much you actually don't want to do it! I was reading through the course description today and no kidding I was gagging at the thought of it. Not a good sign.

Not to mention that my job that I thought I hated and needed to leave, is actually much better now. I had my performance appraisal with the Big Boss this week and it was really good. So I could handle staying there and helping homeless kids, not to mention paying off our mortgage for a bit.

Which isn't to say I wouldn't take an offer for Clinical Masters if it presented itself, but not Org Psych. Org Psych sucks dogs balls. Someone else can totally have my place.

Who said it sucks?

Ok, own up. Is it one of you or is it some spammer?? I noticed my new blog has got like.. 84 hits :-0 which is just mainly from people searching for images (and stealing my bloody images which I bloody well pay for but that's another whinge).

So anyway, I noticed a few votes in my poll and I know the positive votes came from some of you because I can see that the only links to there were from here (I can see what's going on, don't you worry about that). But now I'm getting all these randoms ending up on my site and they're saying my image header sucks and I want to know if it really sucks or if it's someone just being mean or if it's something thinking they're being funny.

So fess up it was you. And you can't just say it sucks, you have to say what it should be instead.

PS. I haven't heard anything about any Masters courses yet. *pouts* I think I can safely say that's a big fat NO from Flinders, but I won't hear about Adelaide Uni (Health Psych) until later in the week, or even next week or the week after..?! And I have one more interview. It is very nerve wracking, let me tell you but I'm almost at the point of not caring less. I will write a new post about that.

How my interview went

I've been a bit tardy in giving the update, mainly because my head kept spinning for hours afterwards. I had NO idea what to expect from this interview. I mean it's a uni course FFS! I had called my friend Hayley from 4th year (we topped the whole school and she is doing Clinical Masters at Bond now, the smarty pants) and she told me about some interviews she'd had and said they were hard so I started to crap my pants then. But I knew it was only 20 minutes. And really... how much can you get grilled in 20 minutes?

WELL.... let me just tell you. They asked the obvious one of why I want to do their course and what I intend to do with the qualification. You'd think you'd be expecting that one but I'm sure I sounded like a blithering idiot. Then it was your relevant professional experience. Ok, that was easy. Then they got harder. They had a sample referral letter from a GP with minimal information in it and you had to say what info you would be seeking to get from the initial assessment with the client. They asked a scenario question about a new treatment being advertised and how you'd decide if you would use it with your client. They asked about a time I'd received unfavourable feedback and how I handled it. And about what I would do if I found myself unable to meet course requirements due to personal issues.

Seriously, all this in TWENTY MINUTES! I felt like I'd been put through the wringer by the end of it.

When I got back to work afterward it, I had an email inviting me for another interview - this time for Organisational Psych at Uni of Adelaide so that made me feel better at least to have more options if I totally fucked it up. Though Org Psych is not my first preference that's for sure. On Monday I have an interview for Health Psychology at Uni of Adelaide. That would be better but still not my first preference. The best thing that could happen is that I get a call on Monday morning telling me I got accepted into Clinical at Flinders so I can cancel the other interviews. I SO do not want to do more interviews.

eeeeekkk

I got another interview. This time for Health Psychology at Adelaide Uni. Now that is good and bad. It's not Clinical which was my first preference but Adelaide Uni is very prestigious so it's good that I got shortlisted for anything at all! Anyway, I did NO health psych subjects in my undergrad degree so I'm not sure that's a good thing, but it's about using psych in a health context - promoting good health and also counselling sick people. Not sure it's what I really want but if it's my only option, I'll do it.

But I don't have time to be nervous about that one yet because in 2 hours and 20 minutes I have to front up for my Clinical interview at Flinders. I'm totally crapping my pants. Will keep you posted.

Do you like this picture?

I was thinking of using it on my new coaching blog and also on my new brochures that I'm having printed. I thought it was quite cute and even though it doesn't yell "coaching", it does say balance and peace and it's quite bright and funky and would appeal to women I think (well it appeals to me, anyway). But that's what a lot of clients ultimately are looking for.

Have a look at it on my new coaching blog/website that I've been working on and tell me if you think it works. On MY NEW COACHING BLOG I can change the image at the top to anything I want, so if you think a different kind of picture would work better, feel free to offer suggestions.

Family Fun Day

We had Mel's work's family Xmas day out on Sunday and it really was a good day. Here are some pics.

In the jumping castle (took a while to warm up to the idea but in the end we couldn't drag her out. Had to bribe her in fact).



Annabelle with the clown, who is actually one of Mel's staff members. Wasn't sure what to make of the clown, or anyone else wearing funny hats or suits.


Loved the face painting though. Walked around holding her hand up in the air as if the butterfly was actually sitting on it. Too cute.


Pony rides. Lasted all of about 5 seconds. Ponies and clowns both in the "dodgy" category.


Santa. Also dodgy. But if he's got a present, she'll sit on his lap for as long as it takes.


Finally a present!


She does love a good book. And mum and dad didn't even have to pay for this one. Even better!


And me and her together. We actually have NO photos of us together because I'm the one always holding the camera. It shits me, so every now and then I force Mel to take photos of us. They usually turn out ugly and I delete them, but I think this one is ok.

I got an interview

I got a call from Flinders University inviting me for an interview for the Masters of Clinical Psychology. It's this Friday and apparently will only go for 20 minutes (that sounds easy). If I get accepted, or put on the short list, I will get a phone call before next Tuesday.

What this means is that if I get accepted into Flinders, we could potentially still get our trip to Fiji (YAY!!) because uni wouldn't start until March and we could go after school holiday season at the end of January. The problem with UniSA is that classes start on 27th January so we'd have to go on holidays before then, which sucks the big one because there is NOTHING available. Not that I can afford to be picky and choosy when it comes to Masters programs but you know.. if I can manage an island holiday AND a Masters degree, I would be very happy.

So please send me all your positive vibes!!